Ok, im 13 and my essay is due in tommorow, could you tell me what you think?
My assignment was to create a poem like Ted Hughes poem - Tractor.
Im 13 btw, so were not looking for the BEST if you get what i mean, but if its average for my age.
Here it is, also if i need to include more Similes,metaphors,alliteration etc. Please tell me
Ok heres my poem.
Title: Clock
The Clock stands like a general
Watching me through its hard frozen face.
I return its look in hatred!
Its cold, darkened, woven wood looked as if nails had torn through its hollow body.
The texture twisting and turning as if hell itself were a whirl pool.
Its wooden heart ticked,like a bomb as if it were dying through every minute
While its firm numb hands stretched to the twelfth hour.
I saw its rotten, cold wrinkled skin follows up to its cover of glass,where its hard antique face is disgustingly preserved. It stands there still,watching me with its stiff concentrated eyes, I stare back with frustration, The demon is silent , but its eyes are awake watching and waiting for death to silence its ticking, as it strucks twelve...
Its waits in a corner, of a dull lifeless room, Light explores with nothing to find but shadows linked to everything it see's. Dust travels in particles that only the untrained human eye can find.
The chimes begin, Echoing throughout the house,DONG!
I freeze as it shakes my body through its violent scream! DONG!
it repeats itself, like a record player scratched, as it played its final 10 more chimes. Nothing moved, nothing was heard, only the chime mellowing away back to nothing but a seed of silence...
So there you are, i dont mind any abuse towards my poem as long as you say whats wrong. Thanks
Wow! That’s really good for a 13-year-old. Heck, that’s good for anyone.
there are a few minor grammatical errors that are an easy fix… like you can drop the apostrophe in "everything it see’s."
also, i’m not sure if your fourth stanza makes sense, especially the last sentence "Dust travels in particles that only the untrained human eye can find." are you trying to say the clock can’t see the dust because it’s not human? the sentences in that stanza could use some clarification.
but the main thing i see is a tense problem. you use present tense words like "stands" and "return." then you switch to past tense words like "ticked" and "stretched." so, you should pick a tense and stick with it.
other than that, great job! your imagery is fantastic.
I really liked it. You need to change ‘Its waits in a corner’ to ‘ It waits in a corner’. And the’wrinkled skin should follow, not follows. In the fourth stanza there should be no comma after corner. In second stanze, a comma is needed between stiff and concentrated.
Also, one is needed in the first stanza between hard and frozen. The content is good. I give you an ‘A’. Good luck